I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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