When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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