we have officially lost it.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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