Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
