new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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