It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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