omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
