super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
