You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
