highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
