I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
