I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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