Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
