I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
