I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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