He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
