i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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