its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
