Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
