i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
