The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
