We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
