Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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