I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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