I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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