There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He kissed a someone with a penis
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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