I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
