I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
