I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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