Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
