Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
