my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
