I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just gargled with NyQuil
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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