I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
