somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
