she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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