Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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