Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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