you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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