my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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