My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
