tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
