I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
