Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
