I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
