I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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