The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
