he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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