I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
