Do you still have your period?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
