I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
